Yesterday I saw a hummingbird right outside my window. I’ve never seen a hummingbird while sitting on my back porch, and I was stunned. And so happy! It’s as if God knew that the one thing on my birthday list is a hummingbird feeder (this is, in fact, true). I want to see a beautiful little hummingbird in these darkest of days.
The murder of George Floyd and the ensuing destruction, toxic tweets, and constant opinions have me reeling. And I am tired of sitting in my house because of this stupid virus. Tired of getting angry with those people who do not bother to wear a mask at the grocery store.
I’m even tired of giving. Last week, I watched a speaker talk about compassion. My friend, Janice, was watching the same video, because OF COURSE we cannot watch it on the same couch (see, I told you I was angry). She said, “I think I am in ‘worn out mode’ right now. I don’t think I can have a 15-minute-a-day compassion ritual. Or maybe I don’t know how to do it and figuring it out sounds tiring.” And that is my mindset in a nutshell. Still, I’ve joined two online book discussion groups centered on race. And I am donating to worthy causes aimed at rebuilding our St. Paul neighborhoods. But, still, I am tired.
Last week, I went to visit my mother, who is in hospice care. I went to say goodbye to her, although I do not know when she will actually pass. How to say all I needed to say? The best I could do was to thank her. And to tell her my siblings and I would take care of each other. And, finally, that I carry her spirit within me.
So, I am carrying a heavy load. I wish I could write about hope. In fact, I tried to find quotes about hope, and they all rang hollow right now. I thought of finding a quote about God and God’s ever-present love. But, again, I’m just not feeling it right now.
I am letting myself feel hopeless, and tired, and sad right now. It’s not all bad – I have puzzles and books and games and precious time with my husband.
And, best of all, we are going on a camping trip next week! I cannot think of anything that will bring me new hope and faith and energy than being outside and sitting around a campfire at night.
So, last week I did not write because I was with my mom. Next week I will not write because I will be enjoying God’s beautiful creation.
And, when I get back, it will be my birthday. And I hope to be able to welcome that hummingbird back with my new feeder.